What? Cows on an Airplane

 Chuck Hofvander is a stroke survivor and fellow camper. He has written many essays since his stroke and here is a more humorous one.  

What? Cows on an Airplane
by Chuck Hofvander

Maybe I’ve got a thing about cows! Just let me think. I rode a calf in Iowa: or at least tried to, cows chased me in South Dakota and my mistaking a bull for a cow: they look alike don’t they? 

Wait a minute maybe Howie does too.

I was on a trip to San Jose California with Howie, my boss. The Hyatt hotel had a mural of Herford cows grazing in the field in the dining room. When I say mural it means that the cows were not just large but very large, not just very large but staring at the patrons.  Cow’s in the dining whatever genius thought of that? 

The first thought that came into my mind was milk, hamburger and then to steak’s. I looked around the dining room and didn’t find other farm animals. What about chickens, pigs, lamb, and what about those that couldn’t drink milk. Why were they excluded?

One night we had dinner among the cows and Howie went to the bathroom and I remained at the table. Minutes passed then I heard (herd) a faint mooing sound. Is the dining room wired for sound?  Then the mooing began to get louder. Howie returned to the table and the mooing stopped. Was it Howie? He always up to something but I didn’t ask him.  

We ended our trip and on our way back to Chicago Howie and I were on a full 767 flight.  The plane landed and the pilot came on and said, just as usual “please remain in your seats until we’re at the gate”. That was a signal to everyone to jump out of their seats and crowd the aisles while the plane was still moving. 

Howie and I remained seated and then I heard a cow mooing. Then I heard, what must have been a rancher saying “The fastest way to move Cattle is slowly”. Everyone looked startled and looked around. Cows in the passenger compartment of an airplane? Why hadn’t someone seen the cow? The flight attendant’s must have seen the cow and the rancher as they served coffee?  I thought it must be Howie. 

The cow sounded frantic, like it was on way to the slaughter house and then I heard “Get along little doggie”! What?  It must be Howie.  How could a cow and a rancher get thru a crowed airport without someone asking them what they were doing, how could they get thru security, wouldn’t the person at the check-in counter stop the cow and the rancher, and finally the flight attendant at the entrance stop them as they entered the plane? Were we to flight to Chicago or Abilene Texas? 

It was Howie! We were seated in the center isle and Howie was crouched over making the mooing sounds and saying “Never kick a cow patty on a hot day” and “It rained like a cow peeing on a flat rock”.  Howie straightened up but everyone who came near our seats looked at us.

All this taught me several lessons. First I’ve got a thing about cows, second I’m suspicious of other farm beast’s, third always rise up from your seats when the airplanes landing; to avoid cows and whenever possible travel with Howie. 

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